Understanding Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria and ADHD: Navigating Relationships, Conflict Resolution, and Intimacy
Living with ADHD can feel like you’re on an emotional rollercoaster, especially when rejection sensitive dysphoria (RSD) comes into play. RSD is an intense emotional response to perceived or actual rejection, criticism, or failure. If you have ADHD, chances are you might be all too familiar with this overwhelming sensation. But don’t worry—understanding how RSD affects your relationships, conflict resolution, and intimacy can help you turn those emotional loops into smoother rides.
The Emotional Tug-of-War in Relationships
Imagine you’re at a funfair, having a great time, when suddenly you spot a balloon floating away. For someone with RSD, that balloon might represent a friend’s offhand comment, a partner’s slightly annoyed look, or a colleague’s suggestion. The intensity of feeling rejected or criticized can be as unexpected and powerful as losing that balloon. This can make relationships feel like a constant tug-of-war between highs of connection and lows of perceived rejection.
Navigating Conflict Resolution
In relationships, conflicts are bound to happen. For those of us with RSD a simple disagreement might trigger a flood of emotions, making it hard to stay calm and rational. We might find ourselves cutting the person who hurt us off or we might blow up in anger. Here’s a handy toolkit to help manage these situations:
Do something physical: The fastest way to diffuse the intensity of emotions that might come with RSD is to move your body. Go for a quick walk or do a jumping jack. It’s very hard for your mind to stay on the ruminating thoughts when you are moving your legs.
Take a pause to breath: Another effective tool is to begin to focus on your exhales. By focusing on your exhales, you are redirecting your thoughts away from the perceived rejection towards being in your body. Exhales also activate the parasympathetic nervous system and slows down the heartrate down.
Take a break: It is okay to step away from the person for a moment to calm your nervous system. While you are taking a break make sure you do something to keep your mind busy so that there is no space for ruminating.
Reconnect: Possibly one of the most important steps is to come back to the person you had the conflict with when you feel calm and grounded. Reconnect. Avoid spending a lot of time rehashing things but rather focus on expressing how you felt and do something that moves the relationship forward.
Intimacy: The Heartbeat of Relationships
Intimacy in relationships isn’t just about physical closeness; it’s also about emotional connection. RSD can make this tricky, as the fear of rejection might hold you back from being fully open with your partner. Here are some tips to nurture intimacy:
Express how you feel: Use ‘emotions’ language – so often we express thoughts rather than emotions and that can add fuel to the fire. Keep conversations short. Let them know about your RSD and how it affects you. An example of using ‘emotions’ language is, “When you said that you don’t like the mess my RSD kicked in and I noticed myself getting angry and backing away from you.” This kind of communication builds trust and deep connection.
Create Safe Spaces: Establish times and places where you can talk about sensitive topics without distractions. This can help both partners feel heard and valued.
Focus on doing special things together: Our brains learn the most through sensory experiences. Be intentional about creating space to be together without distractions, whether it is going for a walk together or taking the time to hug until relaxed. This can reinforce a sense of connection and security.
Sensity is also a strength
While RSD can feel like a heavy weight sometimes, it is also a special gift: heightened empathy. This sensitivity can make you a deeply caring and understanding partner. By learning to manage the intense emotions of RSD, you can transform your relationships into sources of strength and joy.
Final Thoughts
Living with RSD and ADHD can be challenging, but it can be turned into an asset. By understanding and addressing the impact of RSD, you can build stronger, more resilient connections. Remember, it’s not about eliminating sensitivity but embracing it as a unique part of who you are. With a bit of patience, communication, and self-compassion, you can turn those emotional highs and lows into a balanced, fulfilling ride.